Thursday, July 2, 2015

Freedom Week

It has been two weeks since I left NYC. And at the beginning of this week it was starting to "get hard". 

Not feeling completely settled. Not fully having a place or space of my own. Not being mobile or "selfishly"-independent. All the while knowing that something has ended and something new is about to begin left me in a state of the awkward-in-betweenness (total clinical term). 

It is called Transition. And while I have known it before and I knew it was coming, I was having a difficult time just being in it. Why are transitions so hard? Well, because they aren't aren't exciting as going full-speed ahead. And they aren't as definitive as a complete stop. And they aren't in any way a manner of backward, reverse movement. 

Transition is the exact moment in-between. Between where you are, and where you want to be. It is only what is/where you are right now at this very moment. Which sometimes is a really strange, uncomfortable place. But its also not where you are forever... that, I had to remind myself. And for that, I am thankful. 

The time of transition has it's purpose and on a basic level, its to get you from point A to point B. 

So, there is a lot of transport lingo in this transition talk... no doubt as I think about "just getting my driver's license already", but there is also something else that is on my mind more and more as I'm here in my hometown. My friend's kids. One, because they are The Shit. And, two, because, no doubt, they are the best at just being in the moment. They do not worry about the future or what happened five minutes ago. They don't even care that the best moment EVER won't last forever. When they are playing, 

Yesterday, as I splashed in the water with a few of them, I didn't think about how far away my life in New York seemed or how scary it is to go into The Unknown. Instead, completely absorbed by the moment, I played with them and that moment. Later, I realized, that is total freedom. 

Happy Freedom Week to you. I hope you can just be in wherever it is you are and wanting to go.



Monday, April 27, 2015

Some Monday Motivation

There is no choice you've ever made, nor any you will ever make, that will limit you as much as you may fear.

Nor even limit you at all. 

Thursday, April 23, 2015

What My Future Self Would Tell Me Right Now

Today, I booked my one-way ticket out of New York. Such a strange feeling. It is really hard in this time of transition to take a moment to fully absorb what is happening. I look at my life up until August 15th, and I can plan and plan. And I can look solely on what is planned. I basically could use my calendar like an oxygen tank. The people I will see, what I will do, and expectations on how I will feel. Though, if I focus on my time in NY like sand in the hourglass... say like in a game... I miss participating. (Read: life should not be like Scattergories.) So, right now I want to a take a moment to honor where I am and think about what my future self would say to me right now:

Hey, calm down. Everything is going to be alright. 

Look around. This is what you love and some of what you hate.

You have no idea what is serving you. The anxiety. The fear of the unknown. The fear of leaving things behind. The best is yet to come.

Remember: subways in the heat: the overcrowding and people armpits in your face. New York is not always glamorous. Those shining buildings sometimes are blinding. 

The place were you are. Right now. You will never be again. Appreciate it all.

You have people you love. And some of them will always be there. And those that won't be, there are not there for a reason. Bid them the best, and wish them well.

Your hurt will turn into lessons. 

Your heart longed for something. And now you now have it.

You know more.

You found a great apartment.

You're hair is naturally highlighted!

You were sad because you lost something. But you gained so much more.

You're a f*cking doctor and you help people. You are fulfilled in a way that city chaos, happy hours, and corporate promotions could have never done. Live on.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Resurrection Time

It has been some time since I wrote. Now I find myself drawn to write again. So very much has happened. Things that I have not posted. So many trips and experiences undocumented here. Alas, I find myself in a season of renewal and ready to write again. Maybe it was Easter, The Spring Equinox, as well as this new moon that has revived a spirit that has been dormant for awhile.

Yesterday I as was walking home, as I crossed Broadway on 88th, I looked at the trees and saw the buds... and I thought, "Gah, can they just not just bloom already?! I'm sooo ready." I realized it's not just the winter coat I am ready to shed, but I am ready for the new life that waits ahead. However, with all things, I cannot force the buds to bloom and I cannot rush myself into the blossoming that I'm very aware that is around the corner. 

There is a palpable energy to Spring... just as there is a palpable energy in life when you know you are about to grow and spring forth into life. Currently, I am surrounded by it. I have two dear friends that are pregnant. As I watch them grow, I await (and yet can't wait!) to see what these births bring. At the same time, I prepare myself not just to leave New York... this city which has held so many dreams and fulfilled so many more... but to also prepare myself to start a new life in a place that I know will change my life forever. 

I'm not sure if you ever felt this way, but I find myself looking at life through a different lens. One of tremendous gratitude, because I know have already been dealt the lotto ticket. I get to wake up every morning to see a new day begin, I get to look back on what was, and I get to dream about what a new life will bring. 

Yesterday, my friend Erin and I went to go see Candice Bergen interviewed at 92Y (ps: I have decided she is my spirit animal) and tonight we saw Patti Lapone sing mere feet away from us. The week before we saw Tim Gunn. With all of these experiences, I felt awe. Awe to experience it and awe in seeing people in their element. 

Blessings come in so many fashions. Yet recently I have found they come in experiencing life itself. Not as we hope it is, but in the divine fashion it comes to us... when we are suppose to experience it. 

I know that I would not appreciate all these things if they came to me at any other moment in my life. So, I will wait for the buds to bloom. And I will wait to blossom.