So, early this week I was a bit overwhelmed, stressy, and all around laughably unrealistic. I was ruminating that between work, school four nights a week, wanting to hang with my friends (hello, it is summertime!), wishing my apartment be as clean as a magazine cover, wanting to practice yoga more, sleep more, catch up with distant friends more, study more, just keep doing more, and more, and more... that I couldn't do it all and do it well. I couldn't possibly make a perfect A on this test, rewrite this paper perfectly, and enjoy life, perfectly. To which, life responded... Ah, no, you can't.
I read somewhere recently, we keep relearning the lessons we need to learn until they are, in fact, learned. (I'm thinking of Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Surely you are, too.) And even though, I like to think of myself as a recovering perfectionist. There are still these sneaky thoughts... be perfect and everything will be fine. Cut to me, being overwhelmed, stressy, laughably unrealistic and disconnected from balance, happiness, and peace.
I wish I could write, "You guys, I did it! I am free of the desire to be perfect!" Alas, its not true, there is still this huge part of me, that even though I know better, takes over and says, "If you are perfect, then people can't help but love you. You can't help but be happy. And everything obviously, will be perfect."
Instead, I have to write... its a struggle. And its a struggle that I'm no longer going to struggle with... I now can just recognize it and think, "Quit being a freak. You don't need more, you're not going to be perfect. So just stop for a moment, look around, what do you need?"
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Postscript: I did not make all As, but I did make an A in the class and I don't have to take the final exam! Also, my apartment is still a disaster... which I'm trying not to let drive me crazy.
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